Writing your letter

How to start and end your letter can be a difficult and personal decision. It’s important to approach your letter with sensitivity and care.  Below is guidance to help you write meaningful and appropriate updates

How to begin and end your letter

• You may or may not have met with your child’s birth family.  If you are writing in letter form, it is perfectly acceptable to address birth parents by their first names and to use your own first names.

• You may wish to address other birth family relatives (e.g. grandparents) more formally; this is your decision.

• We do not recommend using false names or surnames. 

Content of your letter   

We encourage you to write your news yourself, unless it has been agreed that the child will write or wishes to do so as they grow older.

Birth relatives appreciate hearing about:

• your child’s development and personality

• progress at school

• interests, activities and holidays

• descriptions of the child’s physical appearance (especially if photos are not included)

• health and wellbeing

• friends and sibling

• major changes in their lives e.g. new school, bereavement, or new additions to the family.

Your letter does not have to be set out in a particular way, nor does it need to be lengthy. On the other hand, a few lines do not convey much information. A proud, sensitive and generous account of your child’s progress will be much appreciated.

Guidance on tone

Birth families are reassured by the fact that their child is loved and well cared for, so do not feel reluctant to share the happy times in your letter. Take care when mentioning any worries that you may have about your child; the birth family is powerless to do anything about them and may become anxious. If you have received a letter or photographs from the birth family, it would be kind to acknowledge this in your letter and mention that you have received them safely. We would always advise individuals that we have received and forwarded correspondence; however, it is reassuring for the birth family to know that these letters are being kept safely for your child.

Tip: if photographs are not part of your agreement, consider sending a piece of ribbon or string cut to the child’s height. This offers a visual sense of their growth each year.

Please remember

• The staying in touch arrangement can be reviewed and changed with at least three months’ notice. Changes to the agreement will only be made with the agreement of all parties.  Contact us to discuss any proposed changes.

• We can arrange one off direct contact where it is safe and in the child’s best interests.

• We will chase contact responses up to three times each time contact is due. If you haven’t heard anything,please get in touch.

• Set yourself a reminder for your staying in touch month, we do not send reminders so it’s important for you to note these dates.

• Do not include surnames or addresses, these will be removed and photocopied, which can reduce the personal feel of your letter.

• Avoid mentioning specific places and unusual organisations that you may have contact with, as this can be identifiable.

• If you have agreed to send photographs, please be generous with your choice. Birth families treasure the photographs they are sent. Ensure they are clear and well-produced.

• Check that photos do not include identifying details such as school badges, landmarks, codes or details used by photographers or film processing firms on the back of the photo.

• When sending reminders and chasing for letterbox contact, we will do this up to 3 times each time contact is due. Unfortunately, if there is still no response we will try again the following year.

Explore more about staying in touch